Monday, January 09, 2006

Mahablogartha: Contemporary Contextualisation of Blogosphere Rants or CCBR Part 3

Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction. However, resemblance to any person living or dead is not coincidental. They are real people some of them are my friends. I have merrily caricatured them. My apologies to the lay reader. This post is not for everyone and can only be understood and contextually appreciated by those who have been following Libertarian bloggers Crystal Blur's blog and Desipundit controversy over deleting comments.

continued from Episode 2: Coments comments everywhere, not a sensible one to read

Episode 3: Meet the spoofer

(Crystal Blur takes Ganpati and Vyasa in a corner. They do not want to attract undue attention to themselves. The three start reading the blog.)

Narrator: Presenting Crystal Blur, the latest sensation on the blogosphere circuit. Her experiments with Contexual Sexualisation of Sacred Lore… ooops! I meant Contextual Contemporarization of Sacred Lore and her interpretation/spoof/remix of parts of Mahabharat has had readers weeping with laughter. It is rumoured that she is currently in talks with the producers of Sex and the city for a proposed Indian spin off titled Sex and the city of Hastinapur. Indian girlfriends began feeling the heat because of Ms. Blur. Their dewy-eyed boyfriends kept gushing aloud how Ms. Blur thought exactly like them. The girlfriends were smart enough to read this as subtle exhortation towards being more Blur-like. It was one such jealous girlfriend who started the rumour that Ms. Blur is actually a man. However, she did not just stop there. She went ahead and said that not only was Blur a man, but horrors of horrors, was also gay! Rumours flew around that Blur was taking aashraya under a female pseudonym just to promote a gay lifestyle amongst Indians. “She is even calling our Bheeshma pitamaha gay!” was the damning irrefutable proof our jealous girlfriend provided to her grapevine circuit. But as you can clearly see that was just a load of asuri buckwaas.

Ganpati: You should take some inspiration from this blog Vyasa. Look at the names here - Dilip, Gaurav, Shivam, Nilu etc. How short and simple! Don’t you have any shame in making me write those fit-for-spelling-bee-finals 20 character tongue twisters as names? An elephant’s tongue is not as flexible as a human's you know.

Vyasa: Ganpati, for someone who styles himself as God of wisdom I must say you have a terrible memory. You seem to have forgotten our conversation in the beginning of chapter 1. I could not have been clearer on this point. As far I am concerned, size does matter and therefore the long name policy stays.

Crystal Blur: Shhh! You two. Let me read.

(Meanwhile Gautam Bastian enters the stage. Chants of "Hayekum sharanam gacchami!" reverberate in the background)

Narrator: Gautam is an aspiring Buddha. He saw humanity’s suffering owing to failed attempts at achieving nirvana through meditation techniques prescribed by socialist Keynesian school of meditation. He therefore has pinned his hopes on the Libertarian Austrian school. This pancham lama of the Cartel loves studying arcane scriptures. He is known for his vast collection of essays on economics scoured from all over the Internet. At any given instance he can bewilder you with 4-5 links to 20-page essay, which you are better off not reading. He knows that and uses this trick to silence our leftists when he no longer wishes to indulge them in further discussion. Had our blogosphere leftists' been a little more Wikipedia savvy, they would have written a wiki post labelling this bombarding of links with a creative name and terming it a logical fallacy. And the next time any Libertarian even linked to a 200 word article, they could have pointed them to this page immediately. But as you all know by experience socialists are slow learners.

(Gautam moves towards the computer to type his comment)

Gautam Bastian says... comment posted on December 28, 2005 3:06AM
I don’t see how this post undermines any Libertarian arguments. In fact, this proves that when Bleeding Heart Liberals (BHLs) do their job of protesting faithfully while the airlines, media, mobile companies, shopkeepers, carpenters do their jobs simultaneously, the economy runs smoothly. This is like division of labour in action. Read this essay on I, Pencil about the complexity involved in the making of a single pencil. Aah! The beauty and joys of the wheels of the economy turning without anyone actually turning the wheel are a necessary and sufficient condition to achieve nirvana. I dread to imagine a world without I, Pencil where Mridula might have had to lodge anti-capitalistic protests, knit woolens, update blogs, teach economics and also clean toilets. Would you enjoy cleaning toilets instead of spending time reading the essays I provide you on economics Mridula?

Narrator: If I were Mridula I would have chosen the cleaning toilets option. It's quicker and less despicable than reading those dull essays containing such words like network externalities and eminent domain etc.

(Mridula returns to check whether anyone has responded to her call for Guerrilla attack on fort Desipundit where Vulturo has been holed up since he deleted Mridula’s comments)

Narrator: I wonder if it is only me who finds it ironic that Libertarians derive support from a collectively owned entity like Desipundit. Hmm.

(Mridula sees that no one has responded to her call. And adding insult to injury was Gautam hijacking leftist agenda and projecting his Libertarian philosophy on Chetan’s post.)

Mridula says... comment posted on December 28, 2005 3:30AM
@ Comrades: That was the worst ad-hominem attack. Gautam is calling us toilet cleaners. These pampered bourgeois Libertarians kids! What are you waiting for? Attack Desipundit. Let us take down their last bastian… oops! I meant bastion.

@Gautam Bastian: Tu mujhe bahar mil! Have ‘Indian blog classical liberals’ read anything more after Adam Smith on division of labor? Looking at your crass uncouth norms of behaviour with a lady, I am certain you have never read about the visible hand of norms and also not felt the visible hand of Mridula on your cheeks. Remember, just studying Econ 101 not an economist make!

(Mridula leaves. Vyasa has followed this entire episode)

Vyasa: Look Ganpati this Mahablogartha has already reached Kurukshetra battlefield. Your habit of procrastination will ruin my chances at making it to the Hastinapur Times bestseller list. And you Crystal Blur... Let me be frank with you. I am not comfortable with this idea of launching a remix version written by you immediately after my novel is published. I was never into remixes. I am a fan of Lata Mangeshkar who belongs to my generation and I share her views about remixes It's just that the publishers managed to glibly convince me about market pressures and by telling me that a sexied up version would draw 18-35 age group of yuppy readers. This is why I hate the markets! That a remixed sexied up spoof is required to incite their curiosity to read mythology. Sigh!

Crystal: Oh do stop whining. Haven’t you seen how it is the markets that have created buzz around your novel and my remix? Had we not paid the PR agency a fat sum, do you think prominent bloggers like Desipundit, Shivam and Gaurav would have ever linked to us using superlatives, driving so much traffic our way? Don't be naive. You are new to the blogosphere you don't know how it runs via old boy's network. Be realistic. And Vyasa c’mon for someone who claims not to be a virgin you sound unbelievably prude. What is it with you and Lata anyways? I will introduce you to Sunidhi Chauhan at the next book launch, I promise.

(Vyasa seems placated. Hawkeye enters the stage)

Update: Read Episode 4: Tu tu main main

14 comments:

Gautam said...

Chetanaswami shashatang namaskaar. May your camels prosper and your brood give a lot of milk. It is in appropriate that you caricature the Mahabharat, the longest poem/epic in the world. And your new found cameo for Buddha albeit an aspiring one, brings amusement to him be assured. If you are Mahayana be assured a place by his side in the circles of blogbirths and reblogbirths.

Gautam said...

eeks. "It is indeed appropriate..."

Chetan said...

Gautam: Thank you. I am glad you liked it and took it sportingly. And yes I was refering to the posts on your blog. If you have done that in the comments, I don't really remember. Here I am merely exaggerating your traits re. I guess the readers of this blog are intelligent enough to know that this is supposed to be sarcastic. Besides by pre-emptorily talking about this I sort of keep a check on you succumbing to the temptation to thwart arguments by actually doing that. I like hearing your views so that is from a purely self-interest perspective. :)

Suyog said...

OK.

I admit honestly that I did not follow a major part of the trilogy coz I wasn't there anyways; that saying, that has not prevented me from enjoying your prose! You are damn good a writer dude!!

Now If only i had a dummies guide somewhere to understand the whole thing LOL!!

Cheers!

Suyog

Crystal Blur said...

She went ahead and said that not only was Blur a man, but horrors of horrors, was also gay!
I don't like this homophobic agenda going on here. What's more... you are targeting Hindu writers. This is an attempt to attack Hinduism itself. Can you criticize Muslim or Christian authors? This is what we Hindu writers get for being tolerant?
Also check your mail for a copyright infringement notice from my lawyers for using a remixed CCSL version without my permission.
Throws cursed water.

-Anonymous

Manasi said...

Ok boss.Finally I understand! the first two parts were real bongers for me (give and take a few though), but the last one, i finally understand!
Following upon what suyog said, why not publish a guide for people like me........ you known the 'Navneet Guides' that are the saviors of so many.
But grt writing!! Keep it up!

neha said...

Chetan - The first thing you must do is put a NSFW (Not Safe For Work) tag on your blog. I started laughing so much that tea squirted from my nose, and my angrezi Boss thought it was an ancient Indian ritual. (Contextualize that somebody - quick!!)

Incredible. This is hilarious! :)) Let me now go back to squirting some more tea from my nostrils.

peter griffin said...

Ooh. This is so much more fun than reading all those long battles you caricature.

Thank you.

p

Shruthi said...

Delightful! Though your first two parts went over my head, I read through them, just to enjoy your play with language :) But this one, I enjoyed all the more, coz I understood some of it! Yes, yes, along with Suyog and Manasi, methinks you ought to put up a post in your own unique style explaining what the first two posts were all about!

greatbong said...

Of course this blog has been written by an oxymoron. He knows nothing about Hindu culture, flirts with his male readers and fishes for compliments, likes pukefests and obviously has a craving for M*A*S*H*E*D potatoes. And yes, free markets rule !

-Another Indian in a catch-22 situation

Chetan said...

Everyone: Sorry for the delay in replying. Was busy rallying the forces for revolution.

Suyog Shruti and Manasi: Thanks for reading the entire thing despite not quite getting the context. I think I will write a post soon refering to comments/commenters/bloggers I have spoofed.

Crystal Slur... ooops Blur: You pagan! Of course you won't like homophobic agenda. Woe betide you, you homophiliac satanic NRI's out to destroy our Christian culture by popularising Hindu myths. Don't you dare take umbrage under our copyright laws. We all know about how the Hindu plagiarises our newspapers. Learn something from our protestant work ethic. If I became the president I would deport you all, along with your shorter cousins, the Mexicans.

Pat Robertson.

Neha:NSFW! LOL! Thanks so much. That was quite a compliment

Peter GriffinThanks. You are welcome.

Greatbong Aaah! You missed out on Ganguly in your comment. :) Thanks so much for visiting. You and Crystal are a huge inspiration for anyone thinking of writing humourous posts.

yamini said...

Vah ustad vah,
You almost did an extra ordinary cake walk on thin ice !!!
I just got introduced to your blog and for the last two days have been dieting strictly on it and other posts that you mention. As I expected nobody questions you are good(except for one always dissenting anonynous), but I would put you way ahead of crystal blur with the right mixture of humor and deep thought.

Ab yeh dil maange more ..LOL
-Y

ps: Kahan the tum itne din ...aur voh bhi itne paas;)? I live in silver spring ...

?! said...

Even-The-Original-Had-Its-Drag-Queen-Sideshows-Dept.

?! : Chetan came by the blog today.

?!: Yay ! Clear the shelves for the Pulitzers. You getting famous, pal!

?! : Sneer all you like. He is a famous blogger who is frequented by all the right people. Even though he is spoofing them n all. People who write deep sociopoliticoecominico stuff. With their own USPs.

?! : Wassamatter, didn't get a fourth word? And what are these USPs ?

?! : Well,Shivam has rage. Vulturo has the Somewhere-something-in-this-topic-can-be-linked-to-my-theory persistence. Gaurav is the Horatio boy-on-burnt-bridge. Mridula has the Misnomer-of-the-decade acidity. And ...

?! : And Chetan ?

?! : Well, err ... heard of "if you can't beat them in quality, drown them in quantity" ? I can't quite put a word to it.

?! : Ohh, you mean Partonesque.

?! : Call it Naghmaesque. Desipundit won't link unless desi references are put in.

?! : It says in his profile he is a Dilli Tant. The last Tant suffered a Pawar cut and went off to play bat-balla.

?! : Yeah, he went from place-where-people-take-peanut-bribes-for-silly-questions to richest-body-with-no-accounting-of-funds. These Tants know their money matters.

?! : Mmm. Thinkest thou this Tant be rich ?

?! : Well, he ain't female and looking. So that's two of your three criteria down. He better be.

?! : You would think all these people writing about economics would be rich. What with their knowledge of money n all.

?! : I wouldn't think so. Your grasp of these things, of course, is awe-inspiring.

_____________________x_________________________________

And so on and so forth.

Thankee kind sire@ Chetan. We are the slaves of sentimental tripe whereas you are the Earls of Economics. I don't think the twain have met since the Mill love story. As has been said by others, we await the Subash Brothers digest version to learn more.

Chetan said...

Yamini: Thank you so much for those kind words. And don't let the Anonymous bother you. Between the two of us... he is on my payroll. You see, I was getting only compliments on my posts. Hence just so that they don't go to my head, I hired him to write some dissenting stuff. you know, just to make a pretence at being fair and balance and all. Besides as you know the prestige of a blogger is guaged depending on the number of troublesome anonymous commenters he draws. Ultimately like all other bloggers I am striving hard towards the day when I get enough trolls so that I can take a moral high ground and snootily shut of my comments section and save myself from the embarrassment of someone pointing out some mistake.

P.S. Do you blog?

?! : Bhai Wah! That comment made my day. When I actually did get that joke about 'Nagmaesque' I felt as if the floor was rolling while I laughed clutching my stomach. And about the blog stalwarts who have commented here... I am planning to use their comments as a testimonial to my blog in the sidebar... You know like... pick two or three of their words and put together a blurb..
For instance if someone has said... Chetan you are nothing but an intellectual pretender -- just make a blurb by leaving out pretender. That would make new readers go... Wow! Even the Cartelians call hm an intellectual. :)

I am sure readers would agree with me when I say that we hope that you let us eavesdrop often onto the conversation between the multiple personalities residing in your brain. Interested readers may want to read further such conversations here.