Monday, January 16, 2006

Mahablogartha: Contemporary Contextualisation of Blogosphere Rants or CCBR Part 4

Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction. However, resemblance to any person living or dead is not coincidental. They are real people some of them are my friends. I have merrily caricatured them. My apologies to the lay reader. This post is not for everyone and can only be understood and contextually appreciated by those who had followed the unfortunate exchange between two prominent bloggers Hawkeye and Gaurav and the resulting vitriol in the comments section reagarding Crystal Blur's Mahabharat spoof.
continued from Episode 3: Meet the spoofer

Episode 4: Tu tu, main main

Narrator: In the blogosphere, Hawkeye whose real name is Bharath has his own little kingdom with a dedicated band of loyal readers. He claims to worship logic and hate hypocrisy. Once writing a post arguing against support for Ganguly getting a decent exit he went as far as saying, “Anything that focuses on emotion and not logic is stupidity.”

(Hawkeye notices Crytal Blur, Vyasa and Ganpati and eavesdrops on their conversation)

Crystal: I am really worried about this Chetan. He is probably the only guy on earth who writes 2000 word posts and 5000 word comments without a single reference to sex in it! I don’t friggin believe this. And to top it all he titles his post Mahablogartha. Try as I do I cannot find any reference to sex and violence? I am getting worried about our future generations here. He is sending them the wrong message about our heritage.

Vyasa: From what I gather even his love letters must have been filled with essays on political economy. No wonder his girlfriend left him. Poor child. I don’t blame her. Tsk tsk.

Ganpati: Vyasa, we all know you are still a virgin. So stop trying to use Chetan’s example to validate your own status as a single.

Vyasa: For the last time Ganpati, main virgin nahi hoon nahi hoon nahi hoon.

Crystal: Chetan missed so many chances to infuse some much-needed testosterone in the writing. He could have inserted a rain dance sequence when he spoke about water cannons, he could have published the lurid details of a private diary of a feminist, described in detail those nude protestors who fight against fir. Huh! I think I am expecting too much. I mean what kind of a man refers to Pamela without uttering a word about her boob-job! What a pathetic loser! Is he gay?

Vyasa: We don’t have to worry, our version rocks. This sort of writing will only appeal to 35+ demographic. No moolah there.

(Crystal goes ahead and starts typing a comment on the computer)

Crystal Blur says… comment posted on December 28, 2005 6:06AM
Contemporary Contextualisation, my foot. This is a bloody systematic attempt at Contemporary Sterilisation of our sacred lore. In the land of Kamasutra and Khajuraho you are perpetuating rabid ignorance. It is because of stuff like this that Indians think a child was dropped in Kunti’s lap when she was praying. I hope you do realise that you are promoting the Western/Christian concept of stork delivering babies. You are being anti-Hindu and pro-Christian. You offend devout Hindu’s like me. Ugh! Such backdoor Christian apologists.

Narrator: Hawkeye listening to this talk has his knickers in a tight twist by now.

Hawkeye: (addressing the audience) Look at Crystal. Introducing our innocent Ganpati, omniscient God of knowledge, to such blasphemous carnal things like sex. And to top it all she calls herself a devout Hindu! If she was really a Hindu wouldn’t she have known how chaste our Gods are? Take Lord Krishna for instance. I am certain she will twist his sacred platonic relationship with Gopis as some kind of an orgy. Why do people find it so hard to believe that Krishna was being benevolent and merely helping the Gopis carry pots over their heads? Such twisted minds I tell you. And what if Indra did sleep with Kunti and danced with Apsaras and flirted with other Gods' wives once in a while? What is the big deal? It is strictly his private matter. Did she give a thought to how westerners might perceive this? Why do we have to corrupt the innocent and pure westerner’s mind talking about such filthy things like sex. I sense a huge conspiracy here. She is out to denigrate Hindusim.

(Hawkeye goes to type the comment)

Hawkeye says…comment posted on December 28, 2005 6:50AM
To Everyone: As an MBA student I came here to defend free markets but this stupid little blogger called Crystal has raised my hackles. I am not a prude to give a lecture on sanctity and all. But I will give it anyways. Contemporary contextualisation eh? Show me one thing that is contemporary here? Is her series about software or BPO? Is it about moral policing? Is it about Laloo? Is it about IIPM? No. It is about sex! This is made-for-porn-channel material. Since when did sex and porn become contemporary? Does she know we are living in the 21st century?

This is the problem with us forward thinking Hindus who make fun of ourselves. We never level the playing field by making fun of other religions. Therefore on behalf of all Hindus I hereby call for reservations on the basis of religion in the creative writing sector. After all our minorities should not feel left out. So henceforth if an author starts spoofing a book of Hinduism, s/he can only spoof 80.5% of it. 13.4 % of the remaining material should be from an Islamic scriptures, 2.3% from Christianity, 1.9% from Sikhism, 0.8% from Jainism and 1.1% drawn from atheist/agnostic and other sources. Within 80.4% Hinduism there should be internal reservation. None of the Shaivite, Vaishnavite or Shakti sect followers should feel that their Gods are being unfairly targeted more than the others. And while we are at it, the author should ensure that the six Vedic schools are also spoofed equally. Additionally, the number of sexual references while spoofing, should also be proportionate to the demographic mix amongst the Hindus. The same applies to Protestants and Catholics / Sunnis and Shias etc. A committee called NRKD committee comprising of prominent Non-Resident-Knicker Dhari’s will be strictly monitoring the content. And mind you wannabe authors, it’s in your best interest not to get their knickers in a twist.

To Crystal: Jao pahile us religion ka spoof likhake lao jisne poojniya Modi aur Thackeray ko pareshaan kiya… Jao pahile us religion ka spoof likhake lao jisne Dara Singh jaise pyare insaan ke character ko hamesha ke liye Staine kar diya… Jao pahile us religion ka spoof karke lao jispe kiye gaye PJs ne mujhe bore kiya… aur fir.. aur fir Crys main tumhare Mahabharat ko endorse karoonga.

(Hawkeye leaves. Writes a post on his blog calling Crystal stupid, idiot.)

(Gaurav enters the scene and reads Chetan’s blog entry utters a single word Dude! and proceeds to read the comments. He spots Hawkeye’s comment and his face turns ashen. He goes over to Hawkeye’s blog. There 50 of the 53 commenters have already approved of Hawkeye’s reservation idea and denounced Crystal. Gaurav returns all charged up to type a comment on Chetan’s blog)

Narrator: Gaurav was already feeling gheraoed by the socialist revolutionary forces. All this talk about revolution had really rankled him. After Chetan’s long comment bravado any naya-navela blogger would get his 15 minutes of blogosphere flame oops… I meant fame, by attacking the Libertarians. The constant chipping away at Libertarian economic agenda had already got Gaurav’s goat. And Hawkeye’s comment portended that Libertarian social agenda too was being hijacked. All this was too much to handle for Gaurav. In a brash act he decided to take Hawkeye head on.

Gaurav says…comment posted on December 28, 2005 7:33AM
Some people!
A spy from the PMK-Sena-Taliban combine has infiltrated the Indian blogosphere! Don’t be misled by his concern for leveling the playing field and his use of playing field lingo such as ‘stupid little blogger.’ Make no mistake; Hawkeye is here to disrupt our playing field. He is a neo-prude. The difference between prudes and neo-prudes is that while prudes wear parachute-like ‘hava ane de’ style khaki half pants, the neo-prudes’ pants are longer. While prudes are nut-cases, neo-prudes are pesky. How dare he attack Crystal personally! Doesn't he know that only the Cartelians reserve the right to attack others that way? And lastly, who is he to get offended about Mahabharat? It is Crystal's heritage as much it is his. Hasn’t he watched Jaane bhi do Yaaron? (Suddenly becoming nostalgic) Waah! What a film.... In the spirit of the Mahabharat sequence in Om Puri’s voice I say to Hawkeye: Oye! Mahabharat tere akele ki nahi hai, hum sab shareholder hai! (In the original it was Arjun, played by a goggle sporting Om Puri, who says, "Draupadi tere akele ki nahi, hum sab shareholder hai!")And regarding the names you called Crystal I say to thee in Pankaj Kapoor’s voice, “Nalayak, adharmi, durachari, vamachari, bhrasthachari, bol sorry!”

(Gaurav leaves the stage shouting “Jai ho! Crystal jaisi Sati nari ki jai ho!”)

Narrator: Hmm. I wish somebody had said “Shaant blogadhari Gaurav. Shaant!” before he typed that comment. This comment turned out to be the start of a flame war, which reinforced my belief about the concept of kaliyug. Those Jaane bhi do yaaron fans need not sulk. The dialogs did not end here. What followed next had 90% of the bloggers chanting a la Dhritarashtra, “Ye sab kya ho raha hai!”

By usurping the role of blogosphere superhero, Shaktiman and trying to safeguard freedom of speech, Gaurav had taken a serious panga not with Hawkeye alone but with all the self-professed blogosphere ‘Bhakti-maans.’

Narrator: Now before our blogosphere pychoanalysts come and prejudice your view regarding both our protagonists through their comments, let me give you the true story behind their motivations. Hawkeye is not the neo-prude at all. I know, I know what you are thinking about contradicting his own statement about emotion and stupidity. But, hear me out. What if I tell you he was merely posturing… that he was had a strong self-interest/stake preventing Crystal’s series from getting famous. I have read his other posts and I can vouch that Hawkeye is quite an intelligent chap and not your stereotypical NRKD. He knew that if Crystal's popularity continued to grow, the next book under Crystal’s scanner would be Ramayan. And Crystal would need to pick on someone in Ramayan and stereotype the character as gay. Now think of a character in Ramayan who is sensitive, is not afraid to shed his tears, who is caring, is exact opposite of a MCP, in short a gay/metrosexual stereotype. Bingo! Bharath, Ram’s illustrious cousin. Being the smart guy, Hawkeye a.k.a. Bharath had figured out that he would be the butt of gay jokes following Crys' carticature of his namesake. Plus Bharath planned to come up with a Vishishtha Avavaitik take on Mahabharata. Crys’ take from tantric sexual perspective was giving him nightmares thinking about shrinking sales. That why the vicious attack.

Now about Gaurav: Apart from the frustrations mentioned earlier regarding sinking fortunes of Libertarianism, there was a selfish reason behind Gaurav’s outburst. Ever since the IIPM fracas Gaurav had to project a Yudhistira like image of upholder of principles. He was feeling severely constrained as his readers expected him to write just about serious stuff. He saw in Blur’s writings a chance to reclaim the naughty Gaurav. He knew sooner or later the character of Yudhistira would appear in Blur’s writing. Gaurav was smart enough to know that Blur was capable enough to sexy him up a little bit. He knew that by linking from his blog Crys would be beholden to him and would go a little easy on Yudhishtira. Gaurav thought he might even be able to convince Crystal to spruce-up the drab image of Yudhishtira and in the process giving him an image makeover. And therefore his defense.

(Garry a.k.a Hannibal Lecter enters the stage)


?! said...

Whoops, did my number on the previous post not realising there was an update.

But seriously, you need an item number to be introduced.


Shruthi said...

This one made very entertaining reading! :)
The “Shaant blogadhari Gaurav. Shaant!” had me in splits :))

Manasi said...

Hmmm.......... You out there have got a serious problem with your sense of humor. You have no business disturbing serious decent hardworking people (like me ;) break business protocol and burst out laughing in full public view. You need some serious reprimanding from....... some animal rights activist maybe ;)
This one was amazing. A very straightfaced kind of thing (are you reading too much of greatbong. He is a master at that.) And I have not followed the 'big fight' but understood all that you said here. So I think a "change of decorations is in order" for your disclaimer.
Good luck boss! Keep posting.

Gaurav said...

“Shaant blogadhari Gaurav. Shaant!”

This really is an amazing line. :-) Priceless!

neha said...

What did I tell you about NSFW?? Chetan really.. (Grabs Ganapati's trunk out of Chetan's ear)

Hilarious dude. Thanks so much for the gentle reminder that we are all taking ourselves way too seriously here. :)

(Ahem - The previous one was Ganapati's trunk fiddling with the post button!)

Fucker said...

I honestly, sincerely disagree with all these suckers and would like to state that you are NOT funny and that you are over-estimating your creativity

Suyog said...

"Shaant blogadhari Gaurav. Shaant!"

ROFL - too good a line; Bravo Chetan - now without following the whole thinggy, I am enjoying this prose as much as anybody else who's followed the turn of events. The Mahablogaratha is getting bigger and better by the chapter dude!

Awesome stuff here - Please keep this series going!


s said...

see, here too this fellow rejoices in a place where his name comes!

some people!!!

(sentences in hindi were not understandable to me)

T said...

I just have one word for this ..."Rubbish"/trash/crap.... surrounded by a idle brain producing and some idle suckers to consume

Pi said...

"I just have one word for this ..."Rubbish"/trash/crap"

Great. Now the idiots can't even count.

Hey Chetan, nice post. [TwoThumbsUp]

Ravikiran said...

I just read the whole series. Hilarious! You should make it a living project. These debates aren't going to end and neither should your series.

meera said...


?! said...

Oh thankee again from all us, SirC.


And where is the next post?

Hawkeye said...

just saw this. i have to say its hilarious. will comment more when i am less busy..

i still think ganguly should've been be dropped though