Sunday, January 08, 2006

Mahablogartha: Contemporary Contextualisation of Blogosphere Rants or CCBR Part 1

Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction. However, resemblance to any person living or dead is not coincidental. They are real people some of them are my friends. I have merrily caricatured them. My apologies to the lay reader. This post is not for everyone and can only be understood and contextually appreciated by those who followed the longest comment in the blogosphere controversy and the subsequent discussions.

Episode 1: Liberterminator II

(Lights are dim. A computer is kept on a table at the corner facing the audience. The back of a relaxed chair can be seen behind the table. Another chair sits bang in the middle of the stage. Using a LCD projector, the contents on the screen of the monitor are projected on the back curtain. An idol of Ganpati can be seen kept in a showcase to the right of the room. A door is present on a wooden frame in another corner and the nameplate reads ‘Indian Blogosphere.’ Chetan enters through this door. Spotlight follows him as he sits on the computer and begins typing)

Narrator: This is Chetan, a newbie to the blog world. He has been sulking for long and suffers from severe inferiority complex ever since his girlfriend left him because of his Libertarian leanings. Yes, my friends this fierce Liberterminator of ours was once a Libertarian himself. His girlfriend however was an animal rights activist and had to be hospitalised as she fainted hearing Chetan’s passionate defense of the livelihood and economic freedom of those involved in fir and Shahtoosh trade. Since then Chetan’s misdirected anger at Libertarianism finds outlet on his blog. Shhh! None of his readers are aware of this background.

(While the narrator is recounting the juicy details of Chetan’s breakup, Chetan is furiously typing on his blog and the audience can see his words projected on the curtain)

Chetan: Ever wondered about the hypocrisy of those chest-thumping Libertarians? No na! How did you guys ever let those intellectual pretenders become so influential? I am quite certain you scrutinized the steps of their proof but couldn't find a chink in their armour. But did you bother to check their given conditions? Arre udhar hi to dhokha kha gaya na India! Their axioms only were incorrect. They chose only the ones that would help them reach the QED/hence-proved-that step fastest. It's another matter that you guys have nothing to show as your own set of axioms apart from your good intentions. But those are enough I tell you. Even simple axioms such as good intentions are enough to pierce through their intellectual armour. Tum log bhi na. They beat you black and blue with their stick of wikipedia posts on logical fallacies. Did it ever occur to you that they themselves might have created those posts? Proof, you ask me? Just look at how they react to any small criticisms of wikipedia and you will get your beloved proof. Humph!

(Chetan is now charged up and all and gets up from his seat and addresses the audience directly. What he speaks appears on the screen on his blog)

Chetan: Now come on all of you who are new to the blogosphere, Come ye all, who are upset that the Cartelians don’t link to your blogs. Join me my fellow bloggers, you, whom they unfairly target. Follow me guys, all of you who don’t understand what the Cartelians say but nevertheless are certain they are wrong. And last but not the least all those got-nothing-else-to-do-but-wait-for-the next-flame-throwing-contest-in-the-blogosphere-types, here is your niravana : -

Friends, Blogans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury the Cartel, not to praise them;
The evil that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interréd with their bones,
So let it be with the Cartel….The noble Chetan
tells you that the Cartel is ambitious:
If it is indeed so, it is a grievous fault,
And grievously shall the Cartel answer it….
Let us together expose the emperor’s pretense of clothing.

Narrator: Thus began our pompous hero’s journey into the morass of duplicity, sophistry, double standards, crass generalizations and mischaracterizations in the name of arguing for some obscure concept like diversity of opinion.

(Chetan returns to the computer and begins typing a post)

Narrator: Unfortunately, our hero’s popularity fell as fast as it had risen. And this is story of the post and subsequent comments that killed his calls for blogosphere utopia through revolution against the bourgeois Cartel.

Chetan’s Post: The Cartelians always talk about hypocrisy. They love chomping Chomsy, mooring Michael Moore and kicking our Gods of small things. Today I shall expose their intellectual myopia and hypocrisy in the context of leftist intellectuals, environmentalists, human rights activist, animal rights activist, anti-market and anti-globalisation protestors. Henceforth this group will be referred to as BHL (Bleeding Heart Liberals for the uninitiated). Try pinning Cartelians down about who they think is globalisation's most celebrated baby and they will tell you orthogonal things like mobile phones and cable television. Actually, they are lying through their teeth! The coveted title of most celebrated baby should go to the BHLs.

Narrator: (Sneers) I think Chetan is actually taking the blogosphere for a ride. The real purpose behind this post is altogether different. Me thinks he is writing this post in the hope that his former girlfriend comes across it watches him repudiate his Libertarian ideals and takes him back. Tut Tut.

Chetan’s Post: Don’t take my word for it dear readers. Imagine what the global economy would be without the BHLs.
Who do you think keeps afloat the airline industry tottering on the verge of bankruptcy from going bust? Why, the anti-globalisation brigade of course. How? By purchasing tickets to locations such as Cancun, Doha, Brussels, Kyoto and Geneva and that too off-season! Imagine the revenue the airlines generate as these lovers of water cannons come in droves to (enjoy rangpanchami?) err… protest. But have you ever heard these Cartelians acknowledge their contribution? Never. Next time remember that the low airline fare you pay is owing to the benevolence of these BHL’s who have managed to keep the competition intact in the airline industry.

Not convinced? Here’s more…
How do you think these protestors organise? They come from different places across the world/country. How do you think they communicate? Mobile phones and the Internet of course! Now imagine the jump in sales for the mobile companies. Were it not for the protests do you think our anti-market good-intentioned environment friendly BHLs would have ever bought into those unnecessary choices offered by the evil profiteers? And what about Internet advertising? How do you think Yahoo/Google/MSN get their email customers without these guys joining the debate on their groups. They also are forced to use computers thus boosting hardware sales. Self-righteous people that they are, the BHLs are the only ones who pay for their software. Ask the Cartelians whether they use licensed software and they will blame the government for not implementing laws. Shifting the goalposts, anyone?

Still Unconvinced?
Here is the damning proof of their candidature for being the most celebrated babies. The media industry. Arre do you think the industry could have survived one day without BHLs? Were it not for the BHL’s compulsive need to be on camera, how do you think reporters would have gotten their stories. The insensitive parading of the human right abuse victims’ tears by the BHLs is tailor made for the queasy dinnertime visuals during the 9O’clock news. All the sensational issues of the world, all the controversies, shouting in favour of aid for Africa, all the protests, tree-hugging, breast beating all for a good cause; keeping the media industry running. Would you have bought the foreign magazine you never read had it not featured Pamela Anderson wearing cabbage leaves plugging for vegan lifestyle on its cover? All the Rupert Murdochs and Ted Turners of the world have only the BHL to thank for their fortunes.

I am sure by now you are convinced. For those of you who are themselves BHL there is more:
The free market guys only worry about the profits of the big corporations. It is only our dear sensitive BHLs who cater to the small trader. Notice their contribution to the local economy. All the placards they need are built by the humble carpenter. The flags and the confetti are provided by the local storeowner. The local florist gives BHL flowers to plant in a handsome soldiers’ guns. The small shopkeeper in the neighbourhood provides them with Bisleri/Aquafina bottled water. After all, our city bred BHLs have to visit all sort of places and won’t they fall sick if they drink the tap water funded by the result of their lobbying for socialist programs. Mind you, this in no way deters them from supporting our Great Leader Laloo’s attempts at banning cold drink/mineral water sale in trains. Unlike the Cartelians the BHLs can live with contradictions. Ever wondered what courage and commitment to their cause must it take to live a life filled with such glaring contradictions? How can the Libertarians be blind to it I don’t understand? No they are not blind. They have kept us blind with their obscuratist control of the blogosphere. They never have and never will acknowledge the contribution to the GDP by the BHLs. Their mantra of GDP=development has no place for the GDP contributions by our BHLs. So yes, let us reclaim what rightfully belongs to the left of center. We run this economy and we shall regulate it!

Narrator: I bet his girlfriend will take this juvenile ignoramus attempt at finding a common ground as a vindication of her decision to dump him. On a serious note, this post proved to be the last of Chetan. The comment section killed him.

(After that valiant effort at penning the post Chetan leaves the stage with his chest pumped up)

(And now the readers start trickling in on the stage to read his blog. Most readers leave after taking a look at the length of the post. Those who do manage to read halfway are riled enough to comment immediately. They go to the computer table and start banging their comment on the computer as the audience watches it on screen)

(A blog reader who goes by the name Indian or North Indian and who is the star commenter on Greatbong's blog enters the stage)

Narrator: This character has problems understanding meaning of the words such as satire, sarcasm, irony etc. It is a serious mental condition that afflicts a tiny minority who can be easily found in the comment section of Great Bong.

(Indian proceeds to sit on the computer and types his comment)

Indian says... posted on December 27, 2005 9:03 PM
Chetan thinks he knows economy? Economy my foot you should be sent to 3rd grade you oxymoron! Notice how he licks Laloo’s boots there. I bet that is because he is seeking a ticket from RJD. Only Indian politicians must be reading this blog. It caters only to their intellectual level. I bet he is that dickhead Ganguly’s ardent supporter. Some Chetan Chatterjee or something I am sure. A Bengali, Laloo supporter, commie sympathizer and a Ganguly lover to boot! Lord save India.

to be continued..

Update: Read Episode 2: Comments comments everywhere, not a sensible one to read


Anonymous said...

Let me suggest s small experiment this time, try this. Probably u r smart enough not to have to really do it, so may be you can just imagine youself doing it . Take a broad brush and try coloring a small pixel on a otherwise big white (pure) canvas. What do you see? Unfortunately, thats what you have tried to do my friend....

Di said...

Haila! Kevdha lihilay!!! All for the lost cause of love... tch tch tch... What love makes of decent young men!

Di said...

Correction: "All an effect of the lost cause..." :D

Chetan said...

Anonymous: I think you overrate my intelligence. Just in case you know my IQ howers around 80 and that number too is probably an exaggeration. I did not understand a word of what you said.

Di: Was that a genuine mistake or did you mean to make a subtle point there about the lost cause of socialism. :) What love makes of decent young men Indecent old men perhaps?

Di said...


Mukul said...

Good work!

But Crystal still wins hands down with her precise potion of humor.

Sorry. :-)

Chetan said...

Mukul: I won't compromise my Hindu roots just to give you your precise potion of sexual innuendo. Some people! Out to destroy our Hindu heritage and their readers expect others to do the same!. You should be ashamed of yourself.

:) Just kidding! Thanks for your compiment. I know I am not even close to Crystal. Her and Greatbong are on an entirely different plane when it comes to humour writing. This post is more of a private joke between bloggers who follow the same blogs that I do. I am merely experimenting here, not competing.